


Love and War (Practice and Shenanigans)

by Jasper01



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Breakfast, Gen, Humor, Prompt Fic, Slice of Life, Swearing, Swordfighting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:55:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23092942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jasper01/pseuds/Jasper01
Summary: Presenting: A perfectly ordinary breakfast inside Thomas' brain.Roman has been sneaking off to the Imagination.And accidentally brings a souvenir back with him.Everyone else finds this hilarious.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 47





	Love and War (Practice and Shenanigans)

**Author's Note:**

> So another promptfic over on Tumblr. Requested phrase was: 'Was that really necessary?' I did tweak the prompt a bit, but it’s there!
> 
> Very nearly almost a bulletpoint format fic, but not quite.
> 
> This story is based on real life, cos my life is weird. :D

Okay, so it’s a normal breakfast in Thomas’s brain.

Virgil is quietly muttering about getting out the door on time, Patton is lamenting being awake, Logan is going over what Thomas needs to do today, Roman is countering with what Thomas _wants_ to do today, Deceit is preening and smirking over Thomas’ train of thought that “no he really _can_ spend a little more time cruising Tumblr before leaving”, and Remus is intermittently flinging paperclips into Logan’s bowl of cereal.

Remus gets bored of irritating Logan (who does not respond at all) and turns to much more reactive prey; Roman.  
Roman is mid-way through expansively gesturing when Remus sneaks up behind him, yanks his collar down and drops a cold soggy fruitloop down the back of his neck.

Roman. Freaks. **Out**. Shrieking, mad flailing, hopping in circles. Roman is screeching at Remus, Remus is cackling at Roman.

Rest of the table is dead silent.

There is an uneven purple/yellow blotch on Roman’s neck. Normally hidden by his raised collar, now on full display thanks to Remus.

Roman finally extricates the fruitloop, and realises the rest of the room is staring at him in various degrees of surprise, embarrassment, and _glee_.

He unconsciously reaches to the bruise on his neck, and whispers in utter dread, “oh no.”

“Oh YES Princey.” and Virgil is stalking forwards with a predatory glint in his eye.

Patton looks torn between squealing in joy and blushing in mortification, Logan is about five seconds from summoning his Sherlock Holmes outfit and giving Roman the third degree until he gets to the bottom of whatever is going on. Deceit is on his feet as well, grinning smugly as he reaches for the brim of his hat and tips it in Roman’s direction.

Roman is backing up. “Nope! It’s not what you think!”

Virgil, “Really? Last I checked you couldn’t read minds Roman.”

“Doesn’t matter! I know how Thomas’ brain works and I can tell you right now it’s NOT THAT.”

Deceit, whilst examining his gloves, “You’re sure Roman dear? We wouldn’t judge if you’d been having fun, you know.”

“That’s incredibly reassuring of you but the fact remains that THAT has absolutely not been a thing.”

“Deceit is correct-” (“oh not you too Logan!!!”) “-we are figments of Thomas’ imagination, and as the Romantic Side it makes sense that any amorous effects would manifest upon you first.”

“Congratulations dear nerd that was both completely logical and ENTIRELY INCORRECT.”

Virgil adopts a thoughtful stance, and muses out-loud, “Speaking of imagination-” (“Virgil don’t you dare finish that sentence!”) “you’ve been spending an awful lot of time there lately.”

“Yes, and it is _still_ not what you thi-”

“ROMAN HAD SEX!!!!” Remus, of course.

“Gah! NO! That is NOT wha-”

Patton tries for soothing, “Hey now it’s okay Roman, no one is going to judge you.”  
“I might do a little bit of judging.” (Patton: “Virgil!”) “Ugh, _fiiiiine_.”  
“I do have some questions, I am most curious as to what effects this has on Thomas’ mental state. Firstly, does this…”  
“I do hope you had a throughly enjoyable time Roman. I’d hate for anyone to be taking advantage of you. Might I suggest…”  
~"Roman had se-ex! Roman had se-ex! Roman had s-"~

Throughly overwhelmed, outnumbered, and beset from every side, Roman cracks.  
“oh my g- I FUCKED UP A PARRY!”

“…… wut?”

“I fucked up a parry. I was practising duelling in the Imagination, and I mis-timed a parry and got bruised in the throat.”

Logan, with his pen and vocab-cards already out, “… I’m confused. Is “duelling” new slang?”

Virgil, “Hell _yeah_ it is-”

“NO! Actual duelling! Swordfighting!”

Deceit, “Oh sure, _swordfighting_. Wink.” (Virgil: “Did he just _say_ “wink”?”)

“Swordfighting with swords! Actual swords!”

Remus: “Oooo kinky!”

“I _swear_ , I will fill a bathtub with detergent and drown you in it and you will go to your grave squeaky clean and smelling of pine and lemons.”

*offended Dukey noises*

“I. Was. Swordfighting. With. A. Sword. Long metal stabby thing. Fully dressed. No nudity. No kink. NO. SEX.”

Patton: “…… Are you sure?”

And Roman has HAD IT.  
“Oh for fucks sake! **I-** *belt off* **cannot** *sash hits the floor* _**believe**_ *front placket hurled at Deceit* **this** *venomous tearing at jacket closures* **is** *jacket tossed at Patton* **really** *yanks black undershirt over head* **necessary!!!!** ”

Roman is shirtless, and properly mad. He stretches his arms out and turns aggressively on the spot just to make sure they all get a proper look at his naked torso. There are more bruises dotting the backs of his forearms, and a sizable welt on his left bicep, but none in the locations his audience would expect from an intimate encounter.

“So! Are we done?! I got stabbed a bit. And I mean stabbed literally. Not figuratively! Not euphemistically! Not allegorically! Not colloquially! LITERALLY. Understood???”

A mumble of agreement.

“Fabulous. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get dressed again.” Roman grabs his clothes from his audience’s numb hands and storms out.

There is an awkward silence in the kitchen as the remaining Sides glance at each other, unsure about how to continue their morning.

“Well, I _don’t_ know about you gentlemen,” says Deceit airily as he leans back in his chair, “but I think that was entirely worth it.”

Remus tosses a fruitloop into his hat brim.


End file.
